How to Write a Merlin Fanfiction
by Naleky
Summary: The Very Helpful and Only Slightly Sarcastic Guideline For Every Fanfiction Author
1. A Serious Warning

**A Serious Warning**

This is important, so please read it and keep it in mind whilst reading the guide! I know it's long, but it is necessary.

I've already made my experience with parodies like this, and unfortunately, they tend to get deleted rather quickly because people complain about them.

So please note that _nothing_ within this story is to be taken seriously.

Nothing I write in here represents _my own_ opinion about stories, authors, genres or the like!

I respect every single person who takes joy out of writing stories and I do not want to hurt or insult anyone.

So if you _are_ hurt or insulted by anything I write in this guide, please write me a PM or a review in which you tell me what you don't like, preferably with a reason for it. If I can understand your request, I will delete the part you deem inappropriate.

If you don't like reading about someone making fun of fanfictions and their authors, don't read it.

The rest of you – if there still is a rest – enjoy.


	2. Introducing the Guide

**Introducing the Guide**

Welcome, dear reader!

So you want to write a _'Merlin'_ FanFiction, but you don't know what to look out for, which tricks to keep in mind, and – most importantly – which guidelines to comply with?

No problem!

This guide will give you all the information you need to become a successful writer in the _'Merlin'_ fandom!

In the following chapters, I – a long experienced (read: long-suffering) expert with years of practise in the great art of reading and writing fanfictions – will guide you through the fandom and tell you everything there is to know about the tricks and quirks of a successful _'Merlin' _author.

Believe me, there is no kind of story I haven't read yet. I've read romance, action, tragedy and western. Het, Slash, Femslash and even a few stories featuring a person and an object doing things no person should do with an object.

Stories that were thrilling or boring, stories that were sad or funny, stories that tried to be funny but failed so spectacularly it was sad, stories that make people laugh, cry, throw up or stare at the computer screen in horror, convinced that they will never be able to use a TV remote ever again, etc.

So no matter what you have in mind, I've already thought of it.

Be it the general information about how the categories work, what kind of pairings exist, how the different genres work, or **_what the hell_** "MxM A/M DLDR R&amp;R!" is supposed to mean, there are no boundaries.

And if, even after reading this guide, you still have questions, you are probably of those clever guys who think of especially tricky questions just to annoy the guide. But nonetheless I will answer them all!

Are you ready?

No?

Doesn't matter, we'll start anyway.

Welcome to _'Merlin'_!

P.S. And if you are the smartass kind and checked my profile to see how many stories I've published yet: Just because I didn't post them on , doesn't mean I didn't write them. Most of them simply are too embarrassing to let the Internet have a look at it. I still can't believe I published _this_ piece of junk - I mean art!

* * *

**Warnings! (Not-Serious Edition)**

This guide is not to be taken seriously. The only purpose it serves is to amuse (read: piss off) the reader.

I just like to have my fun by ridiculing everything and everyone unfortunate enough to come to my attention. How do I still have friends, you ask? I don't know either.

So if you are overly sensible, overly fond of the TV show _'Merlin'_, don't like such impudent things like sarcasm, cynism or satires and/or have no sense of humour in general: please do us both a favour and just close this story. Right now.

But if you still want to give this guide a try, have my email address for hate mails:

Idontcare at flame-mail dot net (Thank you, FanFiction, for your wonderful editing programme!)

* * *

**Yay, finally another story!  
First things first: Don't kill me! I _will_ write another story for the Thief!verse, but this thing just begged to be written and I couldn't resist.  
Second things second: I'm dead serious about the Serious Warning. I'm not exactly known for my tact, and chances are great someone will take offence in this guideline. So please, tell me if I go too far instead of just reporting abuse.**


	3. Genres A - F

**Genres**

Let's start with the genres. If you want to write a story, you should first know what you want to write exactly. Of course, there are stories that make you suspect the author had _absolutely no idea_ what they were doing, but I guess you can imagine only too well just how the quality of these stories tends to be.

Therefore, to give you a feeling for the different kinds of stories that can be written, I will now introduce the different genres of to you.

* * *

Adventure

In this genre, you can do literally _anything_ that will hurt, scar, torture, traumatize, and/or cause severe mental issues for the characters. But don't kill them. If you kill them, you have to use the 'Tragedy' genre.

Just follow the steps of the typical 'Adventure' story:

1\. The people you want to torture to near-death (mostly Merlin, sometimes Arthur, funnily enough never Uther) go out for a hunt, a stroll, a picnic or some other outrageously stupid task, it doesn't matter as long as they're outside and in the woods. Remember this: all bad things happen in the woods! It's an incontrovertible truth.

2\. The heroes get attacked by bandits / brigands / mercenaries / soldiers / sorcerers / whatevers. It doesn't matter as long as they are brainless minions who are barely clever enough to breathe on their own and follow the orders of some evil mastermind (Morgana, Morgause, Mordred, some other Evil Dude whose name starts with "Mor-", someone bent on revenge for whatever reason you can come up with, etc).

3\. The heroes get knocked out, are kidnapped and wake up again in some foreign place in some sh*thole of a cell.

4\. After establishing the facts that A) nobody died, B) they can't get out and C) one character of your choice has a nasty injury of your choice that needs medical attention _immediately_, the heroes lean back and wait for some wonder to happen.

5\. The Evil Dude appears and tells them about his ingenious, unthwartable, brilliant, overly complicated plan… which actually is pretty dumb and far too easy to foil.

6\. Now you can let the Evil Dude torture the heroes for whatever reasons you like. Here are some examples from which you can pick: revenge, valuable information, more revenge, a crappy childhood, the most revengiest revenge ever, pure sadism, etc.

7\. Once the heroes are half-dead and unconscious, the Evil Dude decides that he has enough and leaves them to rot.

8\. Merlin (after waking up again) holds a highly dramatic and unnecessarily lengthy inner monologue about whether this would be a good situation to reveal his magic or not.

9\. Don't let anyone bleed out during this highly dramatic and unnecessarily lengthy inner monologue.

10\. Now you get to choose whether Merlin reveals his magic or not.

A) If he reveals it, let him use some really showy and awesome badass-spell to get them all out. Arthur will be horribly upset, but since Merlin just saved his life, all the years of deceit will be forgiven and forgotten. They make their way home. The End.

B) If he doesn't do it, he just waits for everyone else to faint due to blood loss to work his magic and get them all out. Afterwards, the others conveniently regain consciousness and they make their way home. The End.

11\. If you totally forgot about the nasty injury of your choice that needs medical attention _immediately_ from step 4, don't worry. Most of your readers will have, too.

* * *

Angst

In this genre, there normally isn't that much action, because torture is meant for 'Adventure' and 'Tragedy'. Except maybe if you make Arthur torture Merlin or vice versa. But only if there is much talking in between the bashing.

Because that is the main topic of 'Angst'. Talking. Yep, no kidding here.

The plotline is usually very easy to construct. Take a sad, depressing topic that fits into the concept of the show. Merlin contemplating the prospect of dying should he reveal his magic; some character mourning the death of another character; Arthur already knowing of Merlin's magic and contemplating the pros and cons of killing him; Morgana losing her favourite earring… Whatever you want.

Then, make them talk. Monologue, dialogue, trialogue, many people angrily shouting at each other – it doesn't matter as long as they talk to themselves or others.

Whatever problem the character has, just approaching someone and telling them is a no-go. First they have to drive themselves insane by thinking it over and over and over and over and over until they don't even know what topic they're getting upset about anymore. Then, just before they completely lose it and go jump off a tower, they decide for some reason to confine in someone else after all.

This conversation promptly goes to hell because now both characters drive themselves insane over the topic.

Essential for a good 'Angst' story is much shouting, much despair, much sighing, much hair-pulling, much accusing each other of horrible things that aren't even partly true and very much angst, fear, frustration, anger, black-and-white-thinking and more angst.

You can choose whether you want them to finally realise that the things they angst and fight about are trivial and stupid and they could use their time and breath for better things OR if they argue on until their friendship is shattered, their throats hoarse and their minds so full of angst that at least one of them takes off to finally go jump off that damned tower.

But don't write about the actual jumping part. That would be 'Tragedy'.

* * *

Crime

No-one ever uses 'Crime'. Not even **_I_** used 'Crime' for my stories, even though they're featuring a thieving Merlin and Arthur as a policeman, which is about as much 'Crime' as you can get around here. (Now that I think about it, I probably _should _have used 'Crime'…)

Use the genres 'Angst', 'Adventure' or 'Drama' instead. I'm sure your story will fit _somewhere_ in those.

* * *

Drama

Basically, it's just a mix of 'Adventure' and 'Angst'. In 'Drama' you can write about something bad happening, which results in tension, angst and other inadvisable emotions that make the characters do stupid things instead of just talk about it.

Because holding a monologue about the problem is fine, but holding a dialogue is unthinkable. (Don't ask me why, just invent some shallow reason and stick with that.)

Here's an example: take the plotline from 'Adventure'. But instead of focusing on the fun part (i.e. the torturing), you only briefly mention what happened in a few sentences. (They went to the woods, were kidnapped and tortured, Merlin used badass magic to get them out. Yep, that's about it.)

The main part of the story is the aftermath. Arthur now knows about the magic and is terribly upset. Because instead of remembering that Merlin has been his servant for several years and couldn't _possibly _be that much of a failure as an assassin that he hasn't managed to kill **anyone** by now, he only concentrates on how Merlin lied to him for years and how he can't _possibly_ choose between his best friend and his father's stupid laws. And don't forget the highly dramatic and unnecessarily lengthy monologue! But contrary to 'Adventure', in 'Drama', Arthur is the one holding it.

If the story is set during Series 5 of the show, try _not_ to mention the fact that Arthur already realised what kind of prejudiced tosser his father was. (Dear Uther-Lovers, please remember the email address I gave you.)

* * *

Family

Can be paired with 'Romance' or 'Friendship', since you can choose two genres for your story. 'Family' basically is the second genre you choose solely because you don't know what other genre you could choose, but don't want to only have one. So, if you want to choose 'Romance'/'Family', look at the description of 'Romance'. If you choose 'Friendship'/'Family', look at the description of 'Friendship'.

* * *

Fantasy

Choosing 'Fantasy' as a genre is equally ingenious and stupid, because – come on! Labelling a story 'Fantasy' in a fandom of a show in which a wizard and a king go on dragon / griffin / goblin / pixie hunts and magic is used to make pretty glowing butterflies is kind of cheating, isn't it? (It is.)

So if you write a story in which some sort of magical beast appears and you have _no idea whatsoever_ how to categorise it, stick with 'Fantasy'. That's the easiest way out.

* * *

Friendship

Writing a 'Friendship' story is very easy. All you have to do is focus your plot on the friendship between two or more characters.

They help each other in times of distress ('Friendship'/'Adventure'), they comfort each other after something bad or depressing happened ('Friendship'/'Hurt/Comfort'), or they overcome and forgive each other even the worst things after lamenting over them in highly dramatic and unnecessarily lengthy monologues OR dialogues (Yes, there actually are _dialogues_ in 'Friendship'!) which just for once end in the realisation that throwing around pointless accusations won't help anyone ('Friendship'/'Angst' or 'Friendship'/'Drama').

You can also mix 'Friendship' with 'Romance', though that doesn't really make sense, since you usually don't want to be called a _'good friend'_ if you actually want into the other person's pants.

But I digress.

The only important thing is that you describe how much the characters like each other (as _'good friends'_, not in a romantic way), are there for each other and generally how much their friendship means to them.

* * *

**Oh, how I LOVE the new Doc Manager. It's so ... competent. Not.  
So sorry for the uploading fail, it really wasn't my fault. I blame my computer. And FanFiction. And the Internet. And the universe in general, too.  
**


	4. Genres G - Z

**iesrztdsfgjkszdfkafdvnaöwrithzlsdfizerluh34iaupilhalsjkdfbaulehröawoifjscöajkgdrtjnxföqwietzhas!**

**That's me, hitting the keyboard with my head over and over again out of sheer frustration.**

**I'm now firmly convinced that Fanfiction hates my guts and tries with all its might to make my life miserable. Because this is the 6th (SIXTH!) time _in a row_ that it f***ed up my documents. Argh. It would probably be funny if I weren't so disgruntled right now.**

**So sorry for the upload fail (again), I have no idea what I'm doing wrong. (And if this _still_ doesn't work, I'll go blow something up. That always calms my nerves.)**

* * *

General

Alright, I take everything I said about 'Fantasy' back. 'General' _definitely_ is the easiest way out if you don't know how to label your story. Sorry, my fault.

* * *

Horror

Anything related to Halloween, no matter how little horror actually appears within the story, can be labelled as 'Horror". But if you want to write a _real_ 'Horror' story, keep these points in mind:

1\. You can kill characters without having to label the story as 'Tragedy'. That's a great bonus.

2\. Some sort of ghost / ghoul / evil spirit / demon / _why-am-I-even-listing-these-things?_ has to appear in the story.

3\. Feel free to base the story on the first episodes of Series 4, but please, **PLEASE** call the spirits _Dorocha_ and NOT _Doroca, Dorocca, Doroccccccca _or _Dorothea_. And the gatekeeper's name is _Cailleach_. _**CAILLEACH**__!_ I know it sounds like _Celix_, but I **guarantee** you that it is actually written like that and anything else will give me eye cancer, so stick with the correct writing, okay? Okay.

4\. Killing dozens of uninteresting minor characters is perfectly acceptable and even encouraged.

5\. Things to make the story more interesting: lots of crying, wailing, screaming, yelling, yelping, tearing hair, flinching, cringing and rapidly turning around to investigate creepy noises which have very un-creepy sources but help to build up some suspense.

6\. At least 50% of the story has to happen at night. And in the woods or an old, rotting ruin of some sorts. That's creepier.

* * *

Humor

For justifying the usage of 'Humo(u)r', you have to try (and fail) to be funny.

Here, too, you can use some of the elements the TV show presents you. Have a few examples: the Goblin Incident, Arthur's blatant obliviousness to all things magical, the banter, Gwaine (preferably drunk), Morgana's smirking – and seriously, the number of stories about her smirking habits is downright disturbing – , Uther's exorbitant paranoia, etc.

And don't worry about whether you are funny enough or not – only very few actually are. (I mean, look at my sorry attempts at humour!)

Essential for a 'Humor' story are stylistic devices like super-mega-over-exaggerations, ornate and vivid examples to make your readers imagine things in their heads they _really_ don't want to imagine and won't forget ever again and a _very_ loose interpretation of the characters, objects and places you are writing about.

Because only 'Humor' stories are allowed to feature rainbow-sh*tting unicorns, talking neckerchiefs, Gwaine with purple hair and a ballet-dancing Uther without completely missing the entire point of the TV show. It's a law of nature, don't question it. (Also, if you write about a ballet-dancing Uther, you'd have to be seriously crap at writing if it makes nobody smile at all.)

* * *

Hurt/Comfort

The genre 'Hurt/Comfort' is easy to explain, simply because it is self-explanatory.

Hurt your characters, then comfort them.

See? Self-explanatory.

'Hurt/Comfort' is best used with the additional genres 'Angst', 'Drama' and/or 'Friendship'.

If you choose one of the former two, focus on the 'Hurt' part, if you choose the latter, focus on the 'Comfort' part of the genre. It's not rocket science.

* * *

Mystery

(Gosh, why on earth did I think it would be a good idea to write this guide again?)

I skimmed through most of the summaries of stories (and sometimes even the stories themselves) that are labelled 'Mystery', and the only thing I know for sure is that the genre 'Mystery' is about as useful as 'Crime' or 'Family' (i.e. not at all).

Just use one (or two) of the other tags. Even 'Supernatural' is a better choice than 'Mystery', and that's saying something.

* * *

Parody

In 'Parody', the author is even more determined to be funny than in 'Humor'. And fails even more spectacularly.

End of story.

* * *

Poetry

Choose 'Poetry' if you want to write poetry. So basically an acceptable choice for everything as long as the last words of your sentences rhyme. But do me a favour and don't write poetry in the first place. (Somehow, I just _know_ that this story will get a 'Report Abuse'- kind of problem in less than a week.)

* * *

Romance

'Romance' is the genre where you will have to use your knowledge about _Pairings_ (see **Pairings**). Because it deals with – Surprise! – romantic topics. In this genre, you will also have to mind the _Ratings_. I don't want to anticipate the later chapters of this guide, but here is a rough guideline:

Kindergarten romance or pining: **K**

Cuddling and kissing: **K+**

Dirty jokes and hints to sex: **T**

Sex: **M**

Hardcore BDSM, sex games of questionable nature and highly dubious or unappetising topics: you can _try_ **M**, but please spare us the trauma. That's what other, ahem, _interesting_ websites are there for. (And just for that sentence alone I'll have to rate this guide T, because _someone_ is bound to complain about me sooner or later.)

But back to the topic at hand: if you want to write a 'Romance' story, please keep the following steps in mind:

1\. Choose a pairing.

2\. Choose a rating.

3\. Write something overly cheesy and sentimental that fits into the pairing and rating, preferably without any plotline at all and so sweet it will give your readers caries by just looking at it. (Oh, and feel free to actually _write_ that in your summary. It's astonishing how much 'Romance'-related teeth-masochism exists within this fandom.)

4\. There can be some sort of drama in your story, like an accident or a misunderstanding. But please note that

A) you have to pick 'Family', 'Friendship' or 'General' as your second genre if your story has a happy ending and

B) you have to pick 'Tragedy', 'Drama' or 'Angst' if it doesn't. So don't you _dare_ writing about a break-up without using one of the three genres listed above!

5\. Never write something that can be labelled as 'Romance' _and_ 'Poetry'. It will only end in tears. Most likely the reader's ones.

* * *

Sci-Fi

There are even less people who choose 'Sci-Fi' than 'Crime'. And honestly, what kind of story do you want to write that features medieval characters and can be called **science**-fiction? Do me a favour and either keep your hands from this kind of story entirely or label it as 'Fantasy'. Easy way out, remember?

* * *

Spiritual

Copy &amp; Paste the description of 'Mystery' into this section and replace the word 'Mystery' with 'Spiritual'. (No, that's not lazy, it's just saving time and space.)

* * *

Supernatural

'Supernatural' is a TV show, and therefore a fandom on it's own. Period.

…

Alright, alright.

If 'Fantasy' is too cheap for you and there is anything ghost-like appearing in your story, you can use it. Happy now?

* * *

Suspense

(Oh dear. Here we go again.)

Write a story that fits into the genres 'Tragedy', 'Angst', 'Drama', 'Adventure' or even 'Friendship' and add some hints that make the reader think something unbelievably bad will happen without actually making it happen, e.g. hints of suicide or imminent world domination by men-eating Shetland ponies.

Except, of course, if the second genre you chose is 'Tragedy'. Then, you can make the reader believe that something bad will happen but the heroes can fix it without actually making them fix it.

Basically, 'Suspense' mostly is the pretty second genre, which only purpose it is to make the story look more interesting.

* * *

Tragedy

Kill someone. Preferably one (or several) of the main characters.

Yep, it's that easy.

…

Fine!

No matter what you write, someone has to die. And I'm not talking about all the faceless, nameless minor characters that die in hundreds of Plot Device, I'm talking about the characters I warned you _not_ to kill in 'Adventure', 'Angst' and 'Drama'.

I quote: "mostly Merlin, sometimes Arthur, funnily enough never Uther". (Wow, that description fits literally_ everywhere!)_

It doesn't even matter how the characters (as many as you like, depending on your mood) die, as long as you actually kill them.

Torture them to death, let them commit suicide, let them commit gruesome homicide and _then_ suicide, drown them in a body of water (river, lake, sea, ocean, puddle, etc.), freeze them to death, make them sacrifice themselves to save their loved ones, give them a lethal mutation of genital herpes, whatever makes you happy and your audience cry.

So, to put it in a nutshell: Kill someone. Preferably one (or several) of the main characters. The End.

* * *

Western

Copy &amp; Paste the description of 'Sci-Fi' into this section and replace the word 'Sci-Fi' with 'Western'. There you go. (My laziness just hit a new all-time high.)


	5. Ratings

**Ratings**

(You're still reading?! Why?)

Well, my dear reader, now that we have covered the genres of , let's continue with another important topic. The ratings.

Knowing the ratings is of utmost importance. In fact, it's so important that won't let you publish any stories unless you have read and accepted the Guidelines and therefore, the ratings.

There are five different ratings which you have to know. But you can only choose four, because one rating is reserved for hardcore-p*rn, which unfortunately isn't allowed on Fanfiction. That's what other, ahem, _interesting_ websites are there for (see **Genres**: 'Romance').

But let's tackle one after another.

* * *

K

The rating 'K' is the most harmless one. 'K' means that your story has to be so sweet, boring and/or utterly uneventful that little children (that haven't already learned how to properly use the Internet) can read them without being traumatised for life.

That means: no swearing, no blood, no violence in general, no sex – basically, everything that motivates people to actually _read_ fanfictions doesn't appear in 'K'-rated stories.

The Fanfiction-Guideline tells you that your story should be appropriate for kids at the age of 5. That's nonsense. The only kind of child (read: brat) that already reads fanfictions at the age of 5 won't be the least bit intimidated by such unnecessary things as _ratings_. Or _appropriate_ _content_.

* * *

K+

This rating at least allows you to use _mild_ swearwords (e.g. 'sheesh') and _minor_ violence (e.g. 'Merlin loses his balance and falls flat on his face'). Hints at the topic _'The Favourite Pastime of Adults' _still are a no-go.

Fanfiction suggests appropriate content for children that are 9 years of age and over. That, too, is nonsense.

I know several 9 years old kids who know more creative and more insulting swearwords than I will ever come up with. (And yes, that **is** saying something.)

* * *

T

Now it's slowly getting interesting.

This rating at least allows you to use _minor_ swearwords (but funnily enough still nothing like sh*t or f*ck, even though everybody happily uses them at every opportunity), _some_ violence (e.g. a broken nose) and _minor-subtly-suggested-but-don't-you-dare-make-it-too-obvious_ hints at topics that concern the origin of babies. And I'm not talking about cabbages. (See, that would be such a _minor-subtly-suggested-but-don't-you-dare-make-it-too-obvious_ hint. I'm a master of ambiguities.)

I won't comment on the age Fanfiction recommends, I'm sure you are smart enough to guess my opinion on that matter, my dear reader.

* * *

M

(Finally!)

'M' is the rating for the older audience. No, not the Deaf-Aid-And-Dental-Prosthesis-kind of older, the Yay-I'm-Finally-Sixteen-Years-Old-kind of older.

Here is what you can do: You can swear as much as you like … but that's about it.

Still no sex, still no torture. If you want to write about these topics, you have to choose the rating 'MA'.

* * *

MA

Oh, right.

'MA' isn't allowed on Fanfiction.

Well, rough luck, my dear reader!

* * *

The True Definition of Ratings

If you now ask yourself how on earth you can write 'Tragedy' or 'Adventure' stories without torture, and how my description of 'Romance' fits into these ratings (see **Genres**: 'Romance'), be aware of this:

No-one ever uses _these_ criteria for ratings. So if you are writing a story that meets the criteria of 'MA', rate it 'T' or 'M'. For a story that meets the 'M' criteria, choose 'T'. Everything else is 'K+' or 'K'.

If you still got it wrong, someone will tell you and you can still change it. (That's how I did it and it always worked.)

* * *

**GUESS WHO PASSED THEIR FINALS!? That's right, I did! And with flying colours, too. (Still don't know how I managed it, though.)  
To celebrate, I'm going to post two chapters today. (But only if Fanfiction lets me, of course.) And that has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that both chapters are ridiculously short.**


	6. Pairings

**Pairings**

Thanks for still not having abandoned all hope. (You may regret it.)

Now that all the ground work is done, let's have a look at the finer features of a successful fanfiction.

So if you, my dear reader, want to write a story that fits into the category 'Romance' (see **Genres**), you may want to read this chapter carefully.

But before we proceed with the 'Pairings', please keep this in mind:

If you're not interested in romance, this chapter may trigger severe reactions like chronic gagging, permanent sickness and/or brain damage.

I assume no liability for any health-endangering reaction to the things you're about to read.

* * *

General Information About Pairings

Pairings are essential for every romantic story. Because you can't write about romance if there is no love and attraction to be romantic about, right?

And for that, you need a pairing.

"But what is a pairing?" you might ask yourself now, my dear reader. The answer to that is very simple:

You pick two people (Or three. Or four. Sometimes even five, if you're feeling especially daring) and make them be in love with each other, so they're a couple (or a triple. Or – whatever). This is your pairing. To show which one your pairing is, you write the two (three, four, five) names with an oblique between them.

* * *

Pairings for Everyone!

Your pairing can be literally anything. _Literally. Everything!_

Of course, you can pick the ones everyone knows and loves, e.g. Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Arthur, Gwen/Lancelot, Merlin/Morgana, Uther/Troll.

But if that doesn't suit you, don't worry! Because there is only one rule about pairings: everything is possible.

You want to pair Arthur up with Godwin? Alright! Freya with Morgause? Okay! Dragoon the Great with Sophia? No problem! Kilgharrah with Gilli? Go ahead! Emrys with Merlin? … Um, sure. That's what doppelgangers are there fore. I guess.

And that isn't even the end of that story!

Because when I say everything, I mean **everything**_._ Pairings with people only would be boring, after all. Why not pair them up with objects!?

Gwaine in love with an apple? Do it! Arthur in love with a tree? Or a chicken? Or a sword? Right away! (Geez, Arthur's an objectophile! And yes, that word actually exists.) Gaius making goo-goo eyes at the leech tank? Of course! (Great, now this image will haunt me forever.)

And since we're already at it, why not forget about living people all together and pair up two objects? Just think about all the dirty jokes you can make about the pairing Sword/Stone! (My mind really lives in the gutter. Sorry.)

* * *

Het and Slash

There are two great factions within the 'Pairings'. The so-called 'Slash'-writers ('Slashers') and the 'Het'-writers (Uhm… 'Heters'?).

The 'Slashers' and the … 'Heters' (let's just pretend that this is an actual word) virtually beat each other to death on a regular basis because most of them are about as liberal to each other as the American Republicans and Democrats. (Satirising foreign politics: check.)

'Het' means that you pair up two people of the opposite sex. For the very simple minded amongst us: a male and a female character.

'Slash' means that you pair up two people of the same sex. Usually two boys. Because about 99% of the fanfiction authors are girls and for some strange reason, girls like to make the characters gay. (And if you're shouting obscenities at me right now, please bear in mind that I'm actually female. (Unbelievable, but true.) And not a homophobe.)

Therefore, an extra word of female slash exists. It's called 'Femslash'.

If you want to please both the 'Het'- and 'Slash'-writers, just write about a threesome / foursome / fivesome in which at least one person is of the opposite sex. That way, you've got everything covered.

I still don't know which faction the person/object pairings belong to, though. Not sure if I really want to, either.

* * *

Mpreg and Other STDs

(Oh god no! I _knew_ this guide was a bad idea!)

Now let's have a look at _the_ topic for all the hardcore-Slashers, my dear reader. Mpreg.

'Mpreg' is an abbreviation for 'male pregnancy'. Yes, you've read correctly. _Male_ pregnancy.

"How is that possible?" you might ask yourself, my dear reader. The answer is simple: it isn't.

But that doesn't stop people from writing about it. Because if you can make Sir Leon marry a crossbow, why shouldn't he also get pregnant from it? (… Ouch.)

So if you want to write a story that features 'Mpreg', (which you really, really shouldn't do,) please keep these things in mind:

1\. Forget everything you know about human anatomy.

2\. Forget everything your parents told you about birds, bees and carnal intercourse.

3\. Never forget about the rule that fits literally everywhere! If someone gets pregnant, it's "mostly Merlin, sometimes Arthur, funnily enough never Uther". (**All Hail The Universally Applicable Rule For Everything!)**

4\. If you actually _get_ Uther pregnant, the fandom might kill you. Or celebrate you, because nobody ever dared it before.

5\. Make all the characters in your story forget everything they know about human anatomy, birds, bees and carnal intercourse.

6\. If someone questions the feasibility of male pregnancy: it's always the magic's fault! (Uther successfully ruled an entire kingdom with this attitude, after all.)

7\. Don't explicitly write about the birth itself. Because that would mean having to explain how it's possible for a human being to give birth to a baby without such things as ovaries, uterus, placenta or vagina. (Seriously, which hole is the baby supposed to crawl out of?! … Oh. Right.)

(Ew…)

(Let's change the topic.)


	7. Abbreviations

**This chapter is for 'TheRest', who wouldn't stop asking for a list of abbreviations. Here you are, I hope I didn't forget anything. (If I did, feel free to tell me.)  
**

* * *

**Abbreviations**

Another very important part of the _'Merlin'_ fandom are the abbreviations, acronyms and synonyms.

Because all around the world people are getting more and more lazy, some genius (read: idiot) decided that typing out complete sentences is far too much trouble. Therefore abbreviations.

Someone who is not familiar with all the abbreviations that exist amongst the fanfiction authors will be lost sooner or later.

Therefore, my dear reader, I now present you a list with the most important abbreviations you need to know in order to find your way through the 'Merlin' fandom.

**WARNING!** This list might actually be informative! (At least a teensy little bit.)

Beware!

* * *

A/N: _Author's Note._ Stupid, unnecessary things no-one needs to know. Often used in a horrible attempt at humour.

Arwen: _Arthur/Gwen, pairing_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly. **NOT** to be confused with '_Arwen'_, the character from _'The Lord of the Rings'_!

AU: _Alternate Universe._ In an Alternate Universe, the only thing that connects the story to the TV show are the characters' names and appearances.

BAMF: _Bad A** Mother F*cker_. Actually meant as a compliment. Means the character is awesome, heroic and undefeatable.

BDSM: _BD = Bondage, SM = Slave/Master _OR_ Sadism/Masochism._ Hardcore-p*rn.

Canon: _antonym of AU_. Canon means that the story actually takes place in the same time and location as the TV show.

CD: _Character Death_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly. NOT to be confused with 'Compact Disk'. (You know, those shiny round things with a hole in the middle and music on them.)

Chp(t): _Chapter_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Crack: _Nonsense_. A story that gives you the suspicion its author was astronomically high during the writing process.

DLDR: _Don't Like, Don't Read_. A fair warning to all those who hold their brain cells dear.

Dom/Sub: _Dominant/Submissive_. More hardcore-p*rn.

Drabble: _Short story_. A story that is about 100 words long.

Dub-con: _Dubious Consent_. Not rape yet, but – well – dubious. (Hello, Captain Obvious!)

Fav: _Favorite_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Femslash: See **Pairings**: 'Het and Slash'

Fic: _Fanfiction, story_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Fluff: _Romantic nonsense_. The story usually has no other aim than to make the reader sick with it's sugary corniness.

Gen: _General Audiences, antonym of slash._ A story that has no homosexual (or any other sexual) content.

H/C: _Hurt/Comfort_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly. NOT to be confused with 'haemochromatosis'. (Why do I get the funny feeling that half of you just googled this word?)

Head Canon: _Something in-between AU and Canon_. Takes place in the time and location of the TV show, but deals with different themes.

Het: _Heterosexual relationship_. See **Pairings**: 'Het and Slash'

Hiatus: _Put on hold_. A story that is on break and might not be finished in the foreseeable future.

IC: _In Character_. Used to claim that the character traits of the protagonists are fitting the actual characters from the show.

IDOM: _I Don't Own 'Merlin'_. Disclaimer, used to prevent a lawsuit for calumny from the BBC.

Lemon: _Story with sexual content_. Refers to the face the readers make whilst reading the story: Like they bit into a lemon. (FunFact: every time I read 'lemon' in a summary, I think of the 'Impossibru' face. Yep, that's me in all my brainless glory.)

M/A M/M G/A G/M etc.: _Pairings_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly. Usually, the author doesn't even bother to write who the 'M' stands for, since there are so few characters whose names start with an 'M'.

Mergana: _Merlin/Morgana, pairing_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Merthur: _Merlin/Arthur, pairing_. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly. NOT to be confused with 'murther'.

MxM (FxF): _Homosexual Relationship (Male/Male or Female/Female)_. For those who want to skimp on letters, because 'MxM' is two letters shorter than 'Slash' and 'FxF' five letters shorter than 'Femslash'.

Mpreg: _Male Pregnancy_. See **Pairings**: 'Mpreg'

Non-con: _Non-Consensual_. A synonym for rape, because if you write 'rape' nobody will read your story.

NSFW: _Not Safe For Work_. A story that has so much questionable content that it is inappropriate for the public eye. And I'm not talking about the "Fifty Shits - I MEAN! - Shades of Grey" kind of inappropriate, I'm talking about the "YouP*rn" kind of inappropriate.

OC: _Own Character_. 99.45683% of the Own Characters are Mary Sues or Marty Stus.

OFC / OMC: _Own Female / Male Character_. Differentiates between Mary Sues and Marty Stus.

OOC: _Out Of Character_, a_ntonym of IC_. The character in the story behaves the complete opposite of the character in the show. NOT to be confused with 'Own Oafish Character'.

OS: _One-Shot, short story_. Story that consists of one chapter only. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

OTP: _One True Pairing_. If you don't approve of the pairing, don't tell the author. They might kill you.

OT3/OT4/OT5 etc.: _One True Threesome / Foursome / Fivesome etc._ Like 'One True Pairing', but with more Characters and usually far more disturbing contents.

p0rn: _P*rn_. Half-hearted attempt at 1337 to prevent Fanfiction from censoring the word.

Plotbunny: _Very insistent idea._ A story born from an idea that didn't stop to annoy the author and therefore was written down.

POV: _Point Of View_. The angle from which the story is told. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

PWP: _P*rn Without Plot_ OR _Plot? What Plot?._ Stupid story with lots of sex and very little sense in it.

R&amp;R: _Read And Review_. An attempt of the author to get at least _one_ review. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

RPF: _Real Person Fiction_. A story in which the actors of the characters are the protagonists. Insofar dangerous as the actors could sue you for calumny.

RPS: _Real Person Slash_. Even more dangerous because the chance to get sued is higher.

S1, S2, S3, S4, S5: _Series/Season._ Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Slash: _Homosexual relationship._ See **Pairings**: 'Het and Slash'

Smut: _P*rn._ Yet another word for sexual content.

Songfic: _Story with lyrics_. Very short stories that are made even more unbearable to read by inserting random lyrics that are supposed to fit into the context, but usually don't.

TBC: _To Be Continued_. Used as bottom line of a chapter that ends with a cliffhanger to taunt the readers. NOT to be confused with 'Tragically Brainless Character'.

Trope: _Overused / Very popular plot device._ A plot device that is used in so many stories it's almost considered canon, even though most of the time, there is no proof that this plot device is actually correct (e.g. "there's some important story behind Merlin's neckerchiefs").

UST: _Unsolved Sexual Tension_. Two characters who can't grow a pair of balls and admit their feelings. (My language is impeccable, don't you dare say otherwise.)

Whump: _Hurting a character_. Means that one or more characters are severely hurt – physically and/or mentally – within the story.

WIP: _Work In Progress_. A story that isn't finished yet. Used by people too lazy or stupid to type properly.

Yaoi: _Homosexual p*rn_. Originally from Japanese anime. Basically the same as 'Slash' and 'Lemon' mixed together, but the usage of foreign words makes you seem smarter.


	8. Grammar and Orthography

**Gosh, I can't believe it's taken me almost one month to upload a new chapter. I'm so sorry!  
But first:  
ATTENTION, IMPORTANT INFORMATION!  
The Chapter "Abbreviations" will probably be updated from time to time. Should I find new abbreviations (or should any of you find them and send them to me), I will of course insert them with suitable (ahem) explanations.**

* * *

**Ur friendz: gramar &amp; ortografy**

Since we already looked at stupid and unnecessary abbreviations, let's just stay in this clime and have a look at grammar and orthography.

Because the plot of the story is not the only thing to matter in order to become a successful writer. No, my dear reader, you also have to mind your writing style! Nobody wants to read a story if the deciphering of one sentence takes them half an hour.

Also, it's kind of hard to get reviews if your readers' brains bleed out of their noses because they try to escape the torture of having to deal with stories so abysmal one sentence of them can lower the IQ by ten points.

* * *

Beta-Readers

Beta readers, short betas, are people with an extraordinary sense of altruism. They willingly risk eye cancer and stultification on a daily basis to save from horrible cacography and atrocious grammar mistakes. They don't even charge anything! (My own beta probably has an unquenchable thirst for my blood by now, though.)

So if you want to publish a story, first send it to a beta. They will read it and correct all the mistakes you've made.

You may think now, "But I don't need a beta, my English / French / Swahili is perfect!"

My dear reader, please get a beta anyway. Nobody is perfect (except me, of course,) and everyone makes a mistake sooner or later. Even if it's just a little typo or a forgotten word, the story will make a better impression if it's flawless.

(Also, if there _still_ are some mistakes, you can always blame your beta.)

But since the Internet is full of idiots, some people publish their stories without a proof-reading anyway.

These people can be easily detected and categorised.

**WARNING:** I assume no liability for mental, emotional or physical damage caused by reading the following categories! You have been warned!

* * *

ThE tRoUbLe WiTh tHe CaPiTaLs

some people obviously are not smart enough to take a look at their keyboard before writing. that is the only explanation that justifies texts like these. those people simply don't know what the shift key looks like and what it does.

it doesn't matter whether it's the start of a record, a country, or a name. everything is written in miniscule.

my recommendation for this category: a magnifier.

JUST THE OPPOSITE ARE THE CAPS LOCK PEOPLE, WHO ONCE ACTIVATED THE CAPS LOCK KEY BY ACCIDENT AND NOW DON'T KNOW HOW TO TURN IT OFF AGAIN. THIS ALWAYS GIVES THE READERS THE UNPLEASANT FEELING THAT THE AUTHOR IS YELLING AT THEM FOR NO GOOD REASON.

MY RECOMMENDATION FOR THIS CATEGORY: A COMPUTER MANUAL. AND WHISPERING.

* * *

OS H/C MxM M/A crack R&amp;R DLDR :3

Another special cat that whumps the reader w/ an overuse of ff slang (see **Abbreviations**). Tis phenomenon usually appears in the fics of younger writers who haven't learned yet that netspeak is not actually used 4 continuous txt.

The fav readers of those fics r cryptographers, cuz deciphering these txts is almost as much of a challenge as puzzling out Egyptian hieroglyphs.

My recommendation 4 this cat: 1337

47 134$7 74|-|7 100|$ !|/|73®3$7!|/|6.

* * *

Punctuation Is Overrated Exclamation Mark

Some people are unable to use punctuation and therefore just write on and on and on without stop because who needs commas or periods really if you can just do it like this that saves you at least half a second typing time per paragraph or it would save the time because paragraphs also are a complete no go in this category and if you my dear reader are really unlucky they also dont know how to use the space key resultinginagigantwordmashthatissounreadableyoullgeteyecancerjustbylookingatit

myrecommondationforthiscategorie beblindordontreaditinthefristplace

* * *

Wotz a Spelin?

(Ah, my favourites!)

Tis categorie standz out due 2 outragus ortografy. Its very simila 2 teh abreviaton luvrz, but uses mor mispellt wordz &amp; numbaz insted off actual abreviatons. (Me spelin programm's killn me rigth now, I hop teh mispellerz hav 2 sufer teh same.)

Tis typ of wrytin is usualy fount in txts of peoplz who eiter nevr went 2 shool or tink their 2 cool 4 propr wrytin. (Srsly, wrytin lik tis taks mor time tahn jus wrytin proprly!)

Me recomodaton 4 tis categorie: compuzory enlish / frensh / suahily lesonz!

* * *

TeH UlTiMaT h0r0r!11!1 :O

(Now things get really ugly. Remember, I assume no liability!)

teh ultimat h0r0r r writerz wh0 up mix every categ0ry 0f teh 0nes listet ab0v they hav n0 capitalz n0 punctati0n teh gramar is absend &amp; teh spelin h0rible 2 mak w0rs maters thes txts 0ften r 0verfl0wd w/ em0ticonz :O makin it realy hard t0 mak 0ut ANYTING AT ALL!111!11! :(

my rec0m0dat0n 4 tis categ0rie arest tehm 4 rape 0f teh enlish languatsh &amp; f0rbit tehm 2 evr agan wryte :)

(Please excuse me for a minute, I'm off to have my eyes replaced. My old ones just burned out of their sockets.)

And just because I know that nobody will actually make the effort to decipher this text, here's the translated version:

"_The ultimate horror are writers who mix up every category of the ones listed above. They have no capitals, no punctuation, the grammar is absent and the spelling horrible. To make matters worse, these texts often are overflowed with emoticons, making it really hard to make out anything at all._

_My recommendation for this category: arrest them for rape of the English language and forbid them to ever write again."_


	9. Summaries

**I'm so, so sorry. Please don't kill me?  
I'm really sorry it took me so ridiculously long to update the story. The reason is very simple, but I know it's not a sufficient excuse: work. I'm currently working my behind off to earn money for a year abroad. The last time I actually had time to write something was more than three weeks ago.  
Hopefully you can forgive me. And as always: enjoy reading!**

* * *

**This Category Is Better Than Its Title, I swear!**

(I can't believe you still haven't stopped reading this guide, my dear reader. I'm so proud of you.)

Now that you know what to keep in mind for the orthographic appeal of your story, my dear reader, let's have a look at _the_ crucial point of every story. The summary.

The summary is one of the most important components of a story, because it's the summary that has to convince the readers that your story is not a piece of junk and actually worth their time. It is therefore very important to give a considerable amount of thought to the composition of your own summary.

The summaries are as varied as the stories they belong to. (Which means very, for the intellectually challenged amongst us.) There is no foolproof recipe for a good summary, but there are a few things you just _shouldn't_ write in a summary.

* * *

Things You Shouldn't Do in a Summary

_"__How to Write a Merlin Fanfiction, a Very Helpful and Only _Slightly_ Sarcastic Guideline" is a satirical guideline for FanFiction authors. It addresses things like the genres, the characters, the pairings, proper spelling, abbreviations and pairings. It's very funny and sarcastic and half of the text is crossed out because it makes the guide look cooler and I can pretend to feel guilty about using so many swearwords."_

**Brevity**.

The summary is a brief description of your story. BRIEF. That means one or two sentences, not a whole essay. (Just take a look at _my_ summaries, that's how you _shouldn't_ do it.)

_"__What it says in the title."_

**Brevity 2.0.**

Not THAT brief, idiot!

_"__Crack!fic, gen, humour, DLDR. R&amp;R. IDOM. :)"_

**Abbreviations.**

Don't use abbreviations in your summary. Nobody will read your story if they get the feeling that it has less text than pointless capital letters.

Also: **Disclaimer**.

Don't write the disclaimer into your summary! Or have you ever seen a book summary that contains the sentence "The paper on which this story is printed does not belong to the author"?

_"__This is my first fanfiction, please be kind."_

**First time.**

Again, not something you should mention in the summary. Use footnotes or say it at the very beginning of your story. Also: mentioning that it's your first attempt doesn't get you more reviews, nor does it increase the "Oh god, you write such awesome stories" bootlicking. It gets you more constructive criticism. Just saying.

_"__The story is better than the summary, I swear."_

_"__I'm not good at writing summaries."_

**Sugarcoating.**

If you can't write a summary, use an excerpt! Or a subtitle! Or write in a language nobody can read! Anything! Anything at all! But don't say that your summary sucks! (Yes, this level of stupidity deserves three exclamation marks.) If you tell your readers that you can't even summarise your own story, why would they think that the story itself is any better!?

_"__If you can't write a summary, use an excerpt! Or a subtitle! Or write in a language nobody can read! Anything! Anything at all! But don't say that your summary sucks! If you tell your readers that you can't even summarise your own story, why would they think that the story itself is any better!?"_

**Excerpts.**

If you use an excerpt instead of a description, use it wisely. It should A) actually _appear_ somewhere in the story, B) appear _verbatim_ and without any typos in the story, C) be informative about the content of the story and D) not contain spoilers for the end of the story. (Oh my god, I just wrote something informative! What's wrong with me?)

And don't use an excerpt if your story is a drabble. One sentence already is about 10% of the whole thing!

_"__Please leave a review!"_

_"__Everyone who writes a review gets a cookie!"_

**Begging.**

Never beg for reviews. Instead of achieving the desired effect (i.e. more reviews), it makes you look desperate for positive feedback, which in turn makes the reader wonder just how terrible the story has to be that its author needs to remind the readers to leave any feedback at all.  
(And if I STILL have any readers left after this category, I may start to cry tears of joy.)

* * *

Dark!Light!Left!Right!That-Rhymed!

Another stupid but nevertheless important topic are the '!-labels'.

"What on earth is a '!-label'?" you might ask yourself now, my dear reader. And that is a good question! (I still don't understand the answer myself.)

The '!-label' is a special phenomenon that appears in the summaries of fanfictions (read: verbal diarrhoea). It can be attached to a story or specific character.

The '!-label' has the purpose to replace an actual summary with actual sentences and actual sense in it.

If you want to use the '!-label' correctly, you just have to sum A) the atmosphere of the story or B) the behaviour of one character up in one word. Then, you take this word, connect it with an exclamation mark and add a '-fic' or the name of the character.

As confusing as it sounds, as simple is it. Here are a few examples:

**Dark!fic**: A story in which at least one main character dies. Preferably because of an other main character.

**Crack!fic**: A story without any sense at all. (see **Abbreviations**: 'Crack')

**Death!fic**: Someone dies. Period.

**OMGWTFIDEKtrololo!fic**: The impression you get of most stories that use the '!-label'. (I can't believe I'm actually stooping this low. That's mean even by _my_ standards.)

**Dark!Gwen**: Gwen happily runs around and kills everyone.

**Fem(ale)!Uther**: Sorry, I'm too busy throwing up to continue writing right now.

**OOC!Morgana**: Morgana doesn't smirk and makes an overall sane impression in a story that is set after Series Three.

**Melancholic!Gwaine**: Gwaine does an alcohol withdrawal treatment.

**Oblivious!Merlin**: Merlin still doesn't realise that everyone already knows about the magic.

**Evil!Butterfly**: Self-explanatory Evil Dude.

**(Observant!Arthur**: Now this is just ridiculous. Let's take a different example.)

**Gullible-And-Slightly-Dense!Arthur**: Pretty much the Arthur from the show.

The words you choose to describe can be anything. The only important rule is that characters can have as many '!-labels' as you like, but stories for some (stupid) reason only one. (Don't ask why, I've got no idea.)

You see, my dear reader? It's simple. So if you – let's say – write a 'Tragedy'-story (see **Genres**: 'Tragedy') in which a female, deranged and for some reason Mexican looking Uther finds out about Merlin's magic and executes him, you can use one or several of these '!-labels':

Fem!Deranged!Mexican!Dark!Uther

Why-On-Earth-Doesn't-He-Just-Run-Away!Stupid!Merlin

Doesn't-Even-Appear!Arthur

Death!fic, Dark!fic, Magic-Reveal-Gone-Awry!fic, Sh*t-I-Actually-Killed-Merlin!fic

All clear now? No? Pity, because that's all you're going to get about this topic.

(I'm such a hypocrite. But it's all in the name of satire!)


	10. Characters

**Heya, I'm not dead! Please don't kill me for the ridiculously large amount of time I needed for this chapter!  
But I've got some good(?) news, too: it is not entirely impossible that I may be able to finish this guideline before I run away to the Australian wilderness for my year abroad. (My flight is in just a little over a month and I'm SO EXCITED!) If I don't get it done until then, it'll still be posted before I get back, since I'll probably (hopefully) have internet access down there. Yay.**

**(Also, please note that I added the term "Trope" to the Abbreviation chapter.)**

* * *

**Characters**

Now that all the technical terms of have been listed, explained and deflamed visualised, it's time for you, my dear reader, to take a closer look at the characters of the _'Merlin'_ fandom.

* * *

What a Stupid Name!

The trouble with fantasy shows is that almost every single one of them has the same flaw: the names. These ridiculously long, overcomplicated, exotic sounding names are the trademark of any not so decent fantasy movie and/or TV show.

And those names are great, don't get me wrong! The only problem is the spelling.

Because as much fun as it is to _hear_ them in the TV show, _writing_ them is a different matter entirely.

And since the Internet (is only ever used to look up p*rn and cat pictures - I MEAN!) doesn't have the answer to anything (except it does, in this case), it can be quite a challenge to find out how the names of your favourite characters actually look like written out on paper. Or a computer screen.

You can count yourself lucky, my dear reader, because this particular show we're talking about deals with the Arthurian Legend. Names like 'Merlin' or 'Arthur' should be easy enough to write out. (Just think about the _'Lord of the Rings'_ fans or the _'Naruto'_ fans…)

But still, there are _some_ names that are written wrong so frequently I sometimes wonder if it's some kind of postmodern stylistic device meant to elucidate the impermanence and fragility of historical accuracy, solely used by fanfiction writers. (I feel incredibly intelligent right now.)

But since it most likely isn't, take this advice: Just make sure to get these goddamn names right, it's not rocket science!

Take poor Gaius, for example. He never did anything wrong. (Except, you know, standing by and letting Uther murder all the innocent sorcerers during the great purge without even attempting to help, but that's beside the point.)

But for some strange reason, every second author throws him out of the TV show and replaces him with a horrible stunt double with an eyebrow-twitching-problem, whose name is 'Giaus', 'Guais', 'Gauis' or sometimes even 'Gus'. (I'm not making that up, I really actually read that once!)

That does not only confuse the readers, it also makes them sad, because sooner or later they will come to realise that Gaius actually died and had to be replaced. We learned our lessons from Dumbledore, after all. (And now the _'Harry Potter'_ fans hate me, too.)

But Gaius is harmless in contrary to other, more interesting examples.

I don't _expect_ you to know that E.T.'s little sister from series 5 is called _Euchdag_, and I don't demand of you to know how to properly spell _Wilddeoren_, _Fomorroh_ or even _Sidhe_.

Because yes, these names **are** difficult to spell and it **is** kind of impossible to guess the correct writing from their pronunciation. But that's what you've got Google for, after all! Or Bing! Or whatever search engine you're using!

There even is a whole pseudo-Wikipedia website about the _'Merlin'_ fandom, with names and everything! (And if by some miracle you don't already know which website I'm talking about, my dear reader: google 'Merlin Wiki' and marvel at the omniscience of the Internet. You're welcome.)

In a nutshell: if you don't know how to spell the name, don't use the character.

Thank you.

* * *

Those Deep, Stormy, Azure Sapphires

(Just to clear things up: this chapter is not actually about mineralogy.)

Of course, the name is not everything you have to mind about the characters. Another very important part is the appearance. Merlin's neckerchief, Gaius's eyebrow, Arthur's little toe, these are all essential trademarks for our heroes.

So if you want to write about one of the characters, my dear reader, make sure you excessively describe their outer appearance. Thoroughly. To the tiniest detail.

It does not only make the story seem more interesting, it also helps with the names. If you don't know how to spell 'Gaius', just stick to calling him 'the old man', 'the physician' or 'that ancient creepy dude with long white hair and impressive eyebrows who for some reason has medical knowledge from 500 years in the future'.

Or if you want to write a story that features the Sidhe Elder, but don't know his name, just call him 'that tiny glowing smurf with wings, bat ears and an appalling set of teeth'. Everybody will know whom you're talking about!

Using the appearance instead of names can also be extremely helpful during long dialogues. Only ever writing 'Merlin' and 'Arthur' gets dull and uncreative with time. So why not just call them 'the blonde' and 'the raven/dark/black-haired boy'. By the way, please don't simply write 'the raven'. Ravens are anatomically incapable of sharpening anyone's sword. (And wow, that just sounded a lot more dirty than I intended!)

You see, the descriptions of your characters' appearances are not only necessary, but helpful and rich in variety as well.

But remember! Their eyes are NOT blue! Blue is boring.

They are baby-blue, sky-blue, sea-blue, ocean-blue, steel-blue, royal blue, cornflower blue, sapphire, azure, ultramarine, indigo, cobalt, cerulean, I'm running out of synonyms, midnight blue, gentian blue, Byzantine blue, traffic blue, this is getting ridiculous, Capri blue, dove blue, Copenhagen blue… but NOT just average blue! (I'm actually out of breath right now, and I didn't even talk out loud.)

So don't you _dare_ write 'blue eyes', if you can just as well use 'those deep, stormy, Byzantine blue ocean-like orbs of awesomeness' instead!

* * *

The Time-Travelling Superhero Schoolgirl Warrior Model Witch

We all know them, we all hate them: the Own Characters.

Own Characters, my dear reader, are characters dreamt up by the authors. They are easily recognizable and only serve one purpose: to get on your nerves.

About 98.45683% of the Own Character are Mary Sues. 1% are Marty Stus. The remaining 0.54317% are bearable.

Don't get me wrong, inventing own characters is not only good for giving variety to a story, it also is absolutely necessary for almost all story plots you can come up with. You need guards, knights, servants and even some Evil Dudes to make your story more interesting and alive.

But don't invent a main character. Never a main character. _**NEVER!**_

Because no matter how noble your intentions, sooner or later, your Own Character will mutate into a Mary Sue. (It's some kind of virus, I think.)

If you ask yourself "But what _is_ a Mary Sue?", do not worry. The answer is simple.

A Mary Sue is perfect. Completely and utterly perfect. That kind of perfect that's solely reserved for Spectacularly Bad Hollywood Action Movie Heroes (Yes, that's a term. Deal with it.), five-star chefs' pastries and toothpaste advertisements. It's the kind of perfect that makes you scoff and think, "Yeah, sure. Because that's not unrealistic and exaggerated **at all**."

You see, Mary Sues are not only the perfect example for perfect, they are perfection incarnate. And everybody hates them for it. Which is perfectly understandable. (I can't believe I just wrote that. I should allow my beta to delete such incredibly stupid sentences for me.)*

Fortunately, it is very easy to discern a Mary Sue. Just look out for these criteria and if three or more are applicable, chances are the character is a Mary Sue or a Marty Stu.

1\. (S)he looks incredibly beautiful / fit / attractive / cute.

2\. (S)he is an incredibly powerful sorcerer / sorceress / witch / warlock / enchantress.

3\. (S)he is an incredibly skilled warrior / fighter / archer / swords(wo)man.

4\. (S)he has an incredibly tragic past. This can entail A: the murder of both her/his parents by Evil Dudes or Uther. B: the death of both her/his parents by a tragic accident. C: generally everything that makes her/him an orphan, because Mary Sues are _always_ orphans. (Must be some kind of qualifier.)

5\. One (or several) of the main characters fall in love with her/him. And I'm talking about the Merlin / Arthur / Gwaine kind of main character, not the Uther / Gaius kind.

6\. (S)he is incredibly cheeky / insolent / pert / flippant, but still a lovable person. (At least, that's what the author thinks. The reader begs to differ.)

7\. (S)he is incredibly smart and immediately gets everything. (S)he is so smart that (s)he even has medical knowledge so bizarre and advanced even modern physicians would be out of their depths.

8\. (S)he is brave to – and beyond – the verge of stupid.

9\. (S)he doesn't die. Even though (s)he is most likely severely hurt during the story (s)he never dies, not even the heroic, I-Just-Sacrificed-Myself-To-Save-All-The-Others-So-You-Better-Be-Moved-To-Tears kind of death.

10\. (S)he is incredibly kind, caring, forgiving, selfless and helpful.

11\. (S)he is in some kind or another related to Merlin and/or Arthur.

12\. (S)he comes from the future and landed in the Middle Ages by some accident. And even though (s)he shouldn't have any idea how to survive without soap, brand-name clothes, electricity, the Internet and Instagram, (s)he adapts to the situation _immediately_ and without any problems whatsoever.

13\. (S)he has some completely and utterly ridiculous name like Amethyst, Starlight, Babe or Flower. (What makes this criterion so depressing is that names like that actually exist in the real world. Well, at least that explains why the authors kill off their characters' parents…)

A friendly advice, my dear reader: Should you find a Mary Sue in a story, stop reading. Or write a review in which you _politely_ point out the physical, biological, anatomical and cosmetic surgical inconsistencies of the character. Politely. And very, very carefully. If you get a very impolite, huffy and/or insulting answer, ignore it. (In fact, I write this kind of review on a regular basis, just to delight in how creative the answering insults can get. It's very fascinating, really.)  
(God, I'm a horrible person.)

Because even though the creators of Mary Sues will tell you that _NO, of COURSE the character isn't meant to be THEM, don't be stupid!_, they still take a ridiculously large amount of offence at any kind of criticism against said characters. I wonder why.

* * *

* In fact, my beta **did** want to delete that sentence, but I didn't let her, because I'm an evil bastard like that.


	11. Alternate Universe(s)

**LO AND BEHOLD, IT'S ONLY BEEN TWO WEEKS AND I'M ALREADY POSTING THE LAST CATEGORY! BE PROUD OF ME!  
And yes, it's the last. For now. Because I can't think of anything else to write about, but I am - of course - open for suggestions. (If you are interested in my reasons for not choosing the suggestions I already got, I'm going to say something about it in the footnote.)**

**I do consider to write some kind of résumé in which I would honestly (!) sum up my _own_ opinion of the things I satirised in this story. Please tell me if you're interested.**

* * *

**Dimension**** 397#dz%h§Wagtail**

We have come very far, my dear reader. (And I can't believe you are still wasting time on this piece of jun– art.) You have read so many things in this guide, learned so many tips and tricks, and discovered so many possibilities.

Now, after enduring my tasteless sense of humour, pointless and irrelevant parenthetical remarks and far to flowery writing style for I don't even know how many chapters, you probably think that you know everything there is to know about writing a _'Merlin'_ story, right?

Wrong.

Because now, we will tackle the most multifaceted and complex category of all. We're going into space, my dear reader! To be precise, we're going to a whole different universe. (Only that we don't need all that stupid space suit, oxygen supply and rocket stuff.)

So get your TARDIS ready, accelerate your car to 88 mph, fire up your time machine, hack into the Matrix and buckle up! We're going to an Alternate Universe!

(Just in case you're wondering: it's in the middle of the night right now and my body is mostly running on coffee by now… and sugar.)

* * *

Because Just One Universe Would Be Boring

Yes, my dear reader, you read correctly. Alternate Universe.

At some point in time, someone must have thought: "Well, Middle Ages is all fine and dandy, but why not write a story in present age? Or in the Victorian era? Or in the future in another dimension on a far away planet that's inhabited by 30 feet tall, fire-spitting man-glomerida-hybrids?" (And yes, I firmly believe that's _exactly_ what this person thought.)

And thus, the Alternate Universes were created. (_Smarta**-mode on_. 'Universes' is a paradox in itself, since 'uni' is latin for 'one'. It should be 'multiverse'. _Smarta**-mode off_.)

An 'AU' story can take place wherever and whenever you like. But not only that: the Alternate Universe allows you to change absolutely _everything_ about the characters you are writing about. Except their names. _Never_ the names. **Never.**

Because the names are all that is left of the original characters once you kicked them out of their universe. It would be cruel to take away the very last thing they have left. (Also, if you changed the names, nobody would recognise the characters anymore.)

So basically, you have a bunch of people who have the same names as the characters from the TV series, usually they even look remotely similar, sometimes they even are related in the same way as their television namesakes. But that's about it. Everything else is completely different.

I'm serious, you can write anything. Literally. _Anything._ It doesn't even matter how stupid, strange and/or unrealistic it is.

Merlin as a magic-less barista who likes to go figure skating in his free time? Okay! Arthur as a 17-year-old orphan who turns into a goblin when aggravated? Sure! Morgana as a Siamese cat with telepathic abilities that saves the world by farting diamonds? Go ahead! Merlin as an alien from dimension 397#dz%h§Wagtail who crashed on earth and now has to phone home somehow? Alright! Uther as a female Emperor Palpatine with a knack for lace-making? Yes please! (No seriously: **do it**, I _**REALLY**_ want to read that story!)

(Somehow, I've got the funny feeling that my credibility just committed suicide. I regret nothing.)

* * *

Arthur Changed His Facebook Status to 'King'

The "Modern AU" is one of the most common ones. In this universe, the characters live in present age. Because apparently, the increasing addiction to televisions, smart phones and computers is already affecting the reasoning of the (de)generation I have the misfortune of belonging to. (God, I love to satirise myself so much. I _am_ an endless supply of parody material, after all.)

I imagine their line of argument goes something like this:

**Fact 1**: I cannot survive without watching trivial, stupid and annoying bullsh – programmes on TV.

**Fact 2**: I cannot survive without being able to constantly tell everyone I know and don't know everything I do, will do and won't do and at every single moment in every single location in the space-time-continuum.

**Fact 3**: I cannot survive without being able to spread pictures (which are so incredibly stupid, random and/or traumatising that one look at said pictures instantly kills at least 5,207 brain cells) all around my circle of acquaintances.

**Fact 4**: I have given the Internet (read: the NSA) every little detail of my private life, all my pictures and all my ideas. And my soul. (At least what's left of my soul after that regrettable incident with the exorcist… No wait, that's just me, not everyone else.)

**Conclusion**: I must write stories in which my favourite medieval characters are in modern times so I can make loads of references to other TV series, movies, the social networks I'm addicted to and Instagram. Because a story cannot be perfect without Instagram. And Grumpy Cat memes.

(And now if you could excuse me for a minute, my dear reader, I must take a short break. My brain's nonsense-processor has reached its limit of 42 BS-units per sentence. I need it to cool down a bit before proceeding.)

(So. Much. Hypocrisy. I'm actually starting to feel guilty! _ME_, GUILTY!)

* * *

The Writers Got It All Wrong!

Just as common as the Modern AU is the Canon AU. But before I can explain the Canon AU to you, I must first make clear what kind of "canon" I am referring to, because the first time **I** saw the word _canon_, I wasted several minutes wondering why on earth anyone would bother to write a story about Merlin and Arthur being Catholic priests. (True story. I'm actually _that_ stupid.)

"Canon" stories have nothing to do with singing. And they usually don't deal with Christian jobs or ancient Catholic law systems, either.

Canon simply means that the setting of the story is compatible with the setting of the TV series. Meaning: same era, same location, same jobs, same everything.

This universe is pleasant insofar as the identities of the characters are the least mutilated.

The term "Canon AU" therefore denotes a story that has the same settings as the series, but deals with different topics. (Now that I think of it, _technically_ every fanfiction is a Canon AU, since the only spirit and purpose of a fanfiction IS to write something that didn't happen in the series… Alright, I'm done smarta**ing, back to the topic at hand.)

The vast majority of Canon AUs emerge from humanity's natural and irresistible urge to complain about things they can't change. Because there are few things that make people as happy as having a chance to nag about other peoples' incompetence, regardless whether they could do it even half as good – or at all – themselves. (Should I be concerned about how serious I am about this? So much cynicism can't be healthy.)

So if you want to write a Canon AU story, just watch the series and take notes whenever you are unsatisfied with the plot. Or the character's choices and actions. Or the ending of an episode. (You may need several sheets of paper per episode, depending on how distinct you perfectionism and urge to complain are.)

So once you have found something that isn't to your liking, you just write a story how it could have been better and call it a Canon AU.

(I can't believe I've wasted so much text on this topic.)

* * *

So Harry Potter, Merlin and Gandalf Walked Into a Bar…

Another type of Alternate Universes (Gah, _'Universes'_ makes my brain twitch. It's Multiverse!) are Crossovers. (Even though nobody ever calls a Crossover an AU, for some strange reason.)

Because what's better than writing nonsense – I MEAN! – fanfictions about your favourite TV series? Right! Writing nons- fanfictions about TWO of your favorite TV series! Simultaneously! And it's really easy, too! (Yay.)

Just follow these few, simple steps:

1\. Pick another fandom you like that isn't _Merlin_. (Duh.) It doesn't matter whether it's a TV series, a movie, a book, a musical or a collection of origami instructions. (Though the last one could be tricky due to the lack of main characters… But then, to hell with that, just pick your favourite origami animal!)

To keep track of this instruction, let's call them Fandom A and Fandom B. (Imaginative, I know.)

2\. Since the two fandoms most likely don't take place in the same era, invent some shallow and unoriginal reason for your characters from Fandom A to time travel to the characters from Fandom B.

Or – if you're a lazy sod and can't be bothered – just pretend they live in the same era without any explanation whatsoever.

3\. Completely and utterly ignore such minor details as language barriers (because _of course_ they spoke the _exact same English_ more than 1,000 years ago as today), glaring cultural differences and the immediate heart attack any poor medieval guy would have if he was confronted with such things as cars, mobile phones and trash TV. Or the absolute despair of modern people who suddenly find themselves without the things aforementioned. (Except, of course, if you're the lazy sod who chose the second option in 2.)

4\. Now you have several choices. If you chose the first option in the second step, you can come up with some story of how Characters A and Characters B met, or you can briefly mention the first meeting somewhere as a side note and focus on all the epic adventures they have together.

If you're the lazy sod, you can choose whether someone from Fandom A is related to someone from Fandom B, or they're just friends, or they haven't met before your story, or there's some kind of romantic relationship somewhere.

You know what, I really don't care _how _they know each other, just make sure they do stuff together, otherwise your crossover would be pretty dumb. (My goodness, I'm always so _very_ polite! Why exactly do you read this guide again, my dear reader?)

5\. If you write a Merlin / Twilight crossover and make anyone of the _Merlin_ cast glitter in the sunlight, I will hunt you down and blow up your computer.

(And let me get this straight: Twilight is by far not the worst book I've ever read, and not even remotely _close_ to the Top 10 of worst movies. But I cannot tolerate the thought of Merlin or Arthur as glittering vampires. It's simple as that.)

* * *

**So this is it. I hope you had as much fun reading this guide as I had writing it.**

**Now first, reasons for me to reject topic requests:**  
**1\. I was asked for a guide for genderbending. I didn't do it (obviously), because genderbending is one of the very few things (amongst others Mpreg) with which I am at a loss. (I don't know if you noticed it, but I had a really hard time writing the section about Mpreg, simply because I don't know what to make of it.) True to form, I've read a few genderbending stories, but I guess they're just not my type.**  
**2\. I was asked about tips for specific stories, e.g. a Merlin/Harry Potter crossover. I'm not doing that because I want the guideline to be generalised enough to apply to (almost) every kind of story, not only a minority.**  
**3\. I was asked to give tips to keep the people in character. That's a really tough one and to be honest, I don't dare attempt it. Because the views and opinions about characters are a matter of perspective and therefore subjective. And writing about subjective topics in a satirising way is dangerous, therefore I don't.**

**Credits:  
Thanks to everyone who stuck with this story, everyone who reviewed and everyone who promised not to report abuse. You guys are the best!  
And of course a special thanks to my awesome beta _Vernacular Jargon_. What would I do without you?**


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